


Munching On a Pockey Stick

by Kitsuneonna



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bad Jokes, Gen, Humor, Not to be taken seriously, Randomness, at all, running jokes, what is continuity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 08:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 10,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsuneonna/pseuds/Kitsuneonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short stories.<br/>Based on events that may or may not happen in the future or have happened already.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Con

**Author's Note:**

> Names have been exchanged for nick names for confidentiality purposes  
> I take suggestions and would in fact love to have them. i also love feedback, but please keep it either positive, constructive, or both.  
> Should you not like this please feel free to detail to me why and how you think i could change it.  
> Also, some of these are actually really badly written but i can't bring myself to fix them either because they can't be or because i have no idea how. suggetions welcome.

Munching on a pockey stick, the 17 year old, crossplaying as Reno, looked around the foyer.  Cosplayers of all degrees stood around talking.  Wincing at some of the worse ones, she turned to her older sister. 

Said older sister was cosplaying as Paine and had the irritated/pissed off look down to an art form.  Of course, it was her usual expression when in the presence of assholes (in this case, idiots who wanted to hook up a YRP with her) to warn them away.  It unfortunately had the opposite effect here but all was well when the Reno crossplayer started waving around her Night Stick and telling them to buzz off.

 

They were waiting for a friend who was cosplaying as Rikku and likely would not be able to recognize them.  A rather well done Rikku cosplayer walked up beside the duo, looked around, huffed and whipped out her cell phone.  She dialed a number and waited for the other to pick up.

 

At that point, the older sister’s cell phone began to ring.  She picked it up answering with a casual ‘Yo.’

 

The Rikku sighed and confessed, “Alright, I give up.  Where are you two?”

 

Recognizing the voice and face now, the Reno crossplayer began to giggle.  This soon escalated to full blown laughter and both the Rikku and the Paine were now staring at her.  After a moment, the girl managed to straighten, wiping a tear away.

 

She turned to the Rikku with a full blown, rather Reno-esque grin, “Hey Rikku.”


	2. Caramelldansen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caramelldansen...in English

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact?  
> These started out as an exercise for me to learn to finish things i wrote. it became a monster of loosely connected stories.

Yes, it was a stupid little dance.

 

Yes, she hated dancing in general.

 

Yes, it gave her a horrific headache.

 

Yes, she had to be and was on a sugar high to do this.

 

But, damn, who the hell can resist Caramelldansen the remix… ** _in English_**!?

 

And on top of all that, it was a boring day and it was raining.  What was she supposed to do?  Sit on her ass all day and wait for something to happen?

 

Hells no!  So, she just went and put the song on repeat and cranked the volume and started dancing.  I mean, Caramelldansen in Swedish is addictive and irresistible.  Caramell in English?  Well shit, she didn’t stand a chance.

 

Who did?

 

So there she was, dancing the Caramelldansen listening to the song and trying (and failing) to sing along to the English lyrics.

 

A loud giggle snort from the direction of the door made her jump.  She whirled around and found both her older sisters (biological and pseudo-adopted) trying to hold in their laughter at seeing the younger dancing the Caramelldansen.

 

She glared, “Well fine, how about you two try!”

 

When the mother and grandmother arrived home hours later, they walked into the living room and had to contain their laughter.

 

“We’re *snigger* home! *snort*”

 

There in the middle of the room, the Caramelldansen remix English was blaring and the three were doing the Caramelldansen, singing along to the English lyrics.


	3. Male-Self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I read man self memes on Deviant art.

Martian stared at this one.  She’d know her daughter’s sanity was nearly nonexistent.  And she knew that Kitty’s sanity was even farther gone.  But this…

 

“Hey Mom.  This is Kyle.  He’s…my man *giggle* self.  You know how Kitty’s into magic and all?  Yeah, well, new book.  And she found this spell…and decided to test it on me.  In the middle of school.”

 

By now, even Ko’s older sister, Paine was staring.  Ko grinned, “Did I mention that she forgot to add the part that gave him clothes?  No?  Well she did.”

 

Kyle was a good three inches taller than Ko’s solid 5’ and was squinting.  Probably needed glasses.  He was tan and slightly muscled.  He was also in very loose fitting pants that one of the taller guys in gym had offered him.  The look on his face suggested that either the pants offended him personally or he was not enthusiastic with having to go shirtless.  Or both.

 

Paine shook her head and looked up at Kyle, “Okay, I know I’m gonna regret this, but what was the purpose of that spell?”

 

Ko shrugged, “Dunno, Kitty ran away before I could steal the book and bludgeon her to death with it.”

 

Kyle gave a wry laugh, speaking for the first time, “Um…Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?”

 

Ko looked up at him, “You just wanted to do it yourself.” she stated strait faced.  Kyle twitched before throwing up a hand (the other was holding the pants up, needed to get ones that fit.) and sighing in resignation.

 

“Okay, I admit it, yeah.  I wanted to do it myself.”

 

“Great!  Now to see if Rikku is on!  As it is, Muse-Chan is drooling over you.” Ko chirped happily.  Kyle frowned.

 

“Yeah, can you do something about that?  She’s kinda creeping me out.”

 

As the two ascended the stairs, the rest of the family stared, very weirded out.


	4. Glitch City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glitch city and the issues with getting there

“DAMN IT!”

 

“…What now?”

 

“I CAN’T GET INTO GLITCH CITY!”

 

“…What version are you using?”

 

“…Um…gold?”

 

“You can only do that with the first three.”

 

“GAH!”

 

Paine walked in to this exchange and raised a brow.

 

Ko didn’t even look up from her computer to explain, “Kitty heard from Rikku about Glitch City and well…she decided to test it out.  And has epically failed.”

 

Kitty glared at Ko’s back.  Ko ignored her and kept on doing whatever it was that she was doing on the computer.  Probably hacking into something…

 

Kitty paused at that thought and back it up some…Ko was _good_ on computers.  And they liked her.  Especially the internet.

 

Kitty sidled up to Ko, grinning sweetly, “Hey, Ko…You mind looking a few things up for me?” She asked in a sickly sweet tone.  Ko didn’t even pause in her insistent tacking of the keyboard and snorted.

 

“No.”

 

Kitty twitched from the sarcasm dripping from those two letters.  Paine settled down for what was sure to be an interesting exchange.  “B–buh!  **_Please?_** ”  Kitty sputtered in shock.

 

Ko continued to look at the screen, not pausing, “No.” She said curtly.  Paine wanted to laugh at it all.

 


	5. Paintball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first in the Paine Wars Series

Ko sat, poised on top of one of the taller structures in the maze.

 

She laid perfectly still, scope poised to strike in the spot where her prey was most likely to appear.  Seconds passed.  Then minutes.  Still, with her mp3 on and a mirror to keep an eye on her ass, she waited.  Finally, a head poked out from behind the corner and she used her quick reflexes to shoot.

 

Bullseye.

 

Her mark let out a screech as she was hit in the head, between the eyes.  Her forehead was now a pretty blue color.

 

“ **She fucking _sniped_ me!** ” The girl screeched.

 

Laughter from the other parties behind her.  “Think of it this way, you’ve nobly sacrificed yourself so that I can shoot her.” Ko heard the grin in her voice.  Ah, if they only knew about the mini mikes all over the place that she’d put around in the first ten minutes when she appeared to be scrambling…

 

A rustling in one of her mikes alerted her to another target.  She turned to her other gun and peered through the scope.  She nodded.  It was just Rikku on the side lines.  Because of a previous agreement, she would not shoot her.  They would work together.  One of her other speakers alerted her to a silent target and potential enemy that was fast approaching.  She looked through the scope of the previous gun and spotted dark hair just leaving her sights.

 

Further examination showed that both Seme-Chan and Kitty had been taken out.  In Kitty’s case, again.  She whined in protest.

 

Listening intently, Ko tried to pinpoint the perpetrator.  Rikku squealed in shock as two bangs sounded.  Ko whipped her head around.  She was getting nervous.  Paine, for it was surly her, was ruthless and it wouldn’t due for her to get caught after only her first hit.

 

Ten minutes later, there was a suspicious silence.  Ko franticly listened and looked for her older sister.

 

Something clicked behind her.  She frowned, “Crap.”


	6. Sand Castle Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are sand castles and there are Sand Castles.

It was a beautiful day at the beach.  The sun was high and the water was warm.  And it was utterly brain meltingly boring.

 

The problem with getting a tan is that while the theory is all well and good, the actual execution is boring enough to kill.  Just laying there, cooking your skin…Ko twitched.

 

“I now declare a sand sculpting competition.” was what started it.  It started with simple sand castles and all in good nature.  But as always, it escalated to something more.

 

By the end of the hour, Ko, Paine, Kitty, and Seme-Chan had made it to the finals with extravagant castles that looked like to scale models more than an armature’s sculpture.  Rikku and Chi-Chi stood on the side, cheering on the other girls.  The rest of the beach was ogling their skills.

 

Normally, for normal people, this was okay.  They’d have the castles judged, someone would win, and life would continue. Unfortunately this was a collection of six mentally unstable girls.  “I petition for an alliance with Ko’s Keep!” Kitty finally yelled out in desperation.  Ko thought on it a moment before nodding.

 

“Ko’s Keep acknowledges Kitty’s Keep’s petition but denies.” Kitty looked crestfallen at this, “Instead, Ko’s Keep will now invade and take over Kitty’s Keep.”  Dumping a bucket of crabs she’d been hiding near Kitty sent the girl scrambling away, screaming.

 

Ko smiled to herself at an invasion well done and gathered her forces back up.  The aforementioned forces were not happy about this but could do nothing to deter their mistress.  Back in the bucket they went.

 

A small war then broke out as Seme-Chan attempted an invasion of her own on Ko and Paine tried to invade both.  Finally, with a field of fighting crabs (and at one point, a jellyfish…) Ko and Seme-Chan conceded a truce.  They both looked to Paine who’d been silent for a while.  She grinned in front of a cloth covered contraption. “I know how to solve this.” She said, taking the cloth off. 

 

The other girls ran. 

 

She had a catapult full of crabs.


	7. Party City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Pointy Hats Are Misused As Projectiles

Party City was a wonderful place with many things to make for the ultimate party.

 

They were having a party soon.

 

Six girls walked in, all admittedly attractive and the cashier, a teen, was perking up.  His hopes were immediately dashed by Chi-Chi, who had spotted the rack of hats.

 

“Ooo!  Hey, hey, let’s go try on some hats!” She insisted.  The others nodded and murmured their assent.

 

It was not long before the role playing started.

 

Seme-Chan put on a bonnet and smiled in a demure way, “Whah, how evah will Ah fand mah way home?” she said in a classic southern bell accent.  Everyone burst into laughter.

 

Ko put on a cap, “Yo, yo!” she said throwing up one of the hand signs she’d seen others do, when they thought they were being cool.  She then burst into giggles, “Oh gods, how can they do that?!” she asked though the giggles.

 

Then something hit her head.  She went silent and turned, cap falling off.  Paine had just used a party hat…as a projectile.

 

Getting the idea or possibly just ganging up on her, Rikku held the hat in one hand and pulled the string taunt with the other, aimed, and let go.  The hat hit Ko in the head.

 

Ko growled and grabbed a pack of the hats, ripped it open and started to fire them at her and Paine.

 

The war soon engulfed the entire store, the civilians (the other customers and the very frantic cashier) hid under various things as the battle had taken to the higher ground. (the tops of the shelves)  Everyone had a bag and was now using them as bullets.

 

In the end, Ko and Paine teamed up and won the war.  They paid for the bags of hats.  All twelve of them.


	8. Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cars break down and stars are stared at.

Paine looked at the assembled group with a serious look on her face.  “All right, maggots!” she yelled in a very drill sergeant esque voice.  The ‘maggots’ bit was met with several yells of ‘Hey!’ in protest.  “Line up and open your bags!  Inspection!”

 

Ko rolled her eyes at her older sister.  “Paine, I think we‘re all sensible enough to _not_ bring the listed items.”  Paine eyed her for a moment before turning away with a grunt.

 

“Pile in then!”

 

They did with grins.  By the time they were headed out, music was blaring out of the radio, Rikku driving, Paine in shot gun, staring out the window, and in the back, from left to right, Ko, Chi-Chi, and Seme-Chan.  They bopped their heads along with the music.

 

It was several hours later that, after a bathroom break at a rest stop along the highway, that the question was popped.

 

And it had nothing to do with marriage.

 

“Um…Hey guys?  Where are we going?”  Rikku swerved.  “Eek!  Okay!  I won’t ask again!”  They resumed normal travel.

 

However, it was not long after this that Rikku’s faithful Saturn, which had served her on multiple occasions, died.

 

“ _STUPID RETARDED PIECE OF JUNK!  STOP BREAKING DOWN ON ME!_ ” Rikku yelled as they all lounged in the shade provided by the large tree in the rest stop.

 

Ko hung her legs and arms from a thick branch’s sides as she laid on it.  Paine too had climbed the massive tree and was now sitting comfortably in one of its nooks.  Seme-Chan had taken to one of the lower branches and it served nicely as a bench.  Chi-Chi was sprawled out beneath the great tree, enjoying the soft grass and the shade.

 

Rikku was kicking the car.

 

“Ne, ne, Rikku, come up in the tree.  It’s nice here.  And we already called a mechanic, might as well cloud watch ‘till he gets here.”  She huffed, and kicked the disobedient car once more for good measure.  Then she retreated from the scalding sun in the tree’s shade.

 

Heading for the top so that she might have a better view of the clouds, she found one of highest up but study branches and lay on her back.

 

A feeling of unease prickled at her back but soon dissipated as she became more comfortable.  She stared at the large fluffy cumulus clouds that spanned the sky around them.

 

Searching out a good cluster she found one and pointed.  “Ram.”

 

Ko, having flipped onto her own back when Rikku joined her, looked up at the cloud formation.  “Aries?  No.  The ram on with the fish tail.”

 

“Capricorn.” Seme-Chan filled in, now looking at the clouds as well.  Chi-Chi giggled and looked hard.

 

Paine too now joined in the fun.

 

By the time the mechanic _did_ come, they had found the entire zodiac, western and all but the tiger in the eastern.

 

They were always in conflict about that one.

 

The mechanic looked around, looking for the broken down Saturn he’d been sent to fix.  He found it with a girl under the tree nearby.  “Hey, this your car?”  Chi-Chi looked at him a moment and he shivered.

 

It was like she was searching his _soul_.

 

She then opened her mouth and, rather cheerily, announced, “Mechanic’s here!”

 

The man very nearly had a heart attack when four other girls, all around the same age, dropped down from the tree and out of hiding.


	9. Water Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Paine Wars  
> Ko's loosing it.

“Alright!  We were _humiliated_ last time!  No more!  This time…” the others stood, all neatly in a line, and twitched in barely contained amusement.  The girl up front, in the meantime, had borrowed a certain taijutsu master’s ‘fire of youth’ and turned it into the ‘fire of determination’ and was using it to get across her point.  Turned around as she was, the others took a moment to snicker behind their hands.

 

When she very suddenly whirled around, the all jolted to attention, “ ** _This time I will not be defeated!!!_** ”

 

Cue mass faceplam.

 

While Ko was busy working herself up into a homicidal rage, Seme-Chan walked up to the front and addressed the others.  “The rules are as follows:

 

  1. You’re all on your own but teaming up is allowed.
  2. Whoever is the most soaked loses and the driest wins.
  3. If you are _water logged_ you are out.  Admit it and go dry off.
  4. Buckets are _illegal_.  Same goes for anything other than the guns.
  5. And Ko wants us to make sure Paine doesn’t win.



 

We will stop when the timer goes off.  Ready,” Seme-Chan walked over to a log, on top of which sat an old fashion alarm clock.  The timer was set for thirty minutes.  She applied the slightest pressure to the timer, ready to set it, “Steady,” Everyone spread out, ready to bolt the moment the signal was given.  Even Ko was in place to rush into the maze (the same that had been used for the paintball).

 

Seme-Chan raised her hand and slapped the button simultaneously yelling, “ ** _GO!!_** ” and thus starting the slau –er, _competition_.

 

Everybody was gone by the time Seme-Chan turned around.  She grinned and hefted her own water pistol.  This would be fun.

 

Twenty minutes later and much of the competition had been annihilated.

 

Kitty had been ambushed by Seme-Chan, Ko, Paine, and Rikku.  She hadn’t lasted five seconds against the barrage.  Chi-Chi had gotten disqualified when she used a water balloon.  Seme-Chan, Ko, and Paine had come to a very short and very temporary truce to rid themselves of Rikku who had lasted only slightly longer than Chi-Chi.  Pure bad luck had caught Seme-Chan in a shoot out between the sisters.

 

Only Ko and Paine remained.

 

They stood facing each other, guns aimed.  Ko was slightly wet whereas Paine was only damp.

 

Upon an unspoken and unseen signal, they charged each other.  Ko took the low ground, taking advantage of her strong legs.  She tackled her sister’s legs, knocking her over.  Scrambling up Ko took aim to take advantage of Paine, sprawled out on the ground.

 

Only she wasn’t on the ground anymore.  Paine had scrambled up at the same time as Ko, and was now tackling her middle.  The two girls wrestled for a while, each trying to gain an advantageous hold to soak the other in.

 

Off to the sides, the others watched.  Chi-Chi cocked her head to the side in confusion and turned to Seme-Chan, “Hey, I thought this was a water gun fight.  Not a wrestling match.”

 

Seme-Chan shushed the other girl, watching the proceedings avidly, “Yeah but this is so entertaining, I’m gonna allow it.  Besides, technically,” Seme-Chan added as Ko took to slamming and digging the muzzle of her gun into Paine’s side, “they _are_ using their guns.” Both winced as Paine returned the gesture with a hit to the head from the butt of her own gun.

 

Screaming and grunting the two finally came to a stale mate.  Their breathing harsh, Ko growled and attempted to lever herself to straddle Paine.  Paine used this to get her into a ground hold and then proceeded to thoroughly soak her sister.

 

Ko screamed like a banshee cursing her sister, “You Gods be damned **_bitch_**!  This is not the end of me!  I _will_ have my revenge!”  This was finished off with another long and loud banshee like scream of pure rage.  Paine did nothing but smirk in triumph.  And soak her some more.

 

Ko stalked away from the event with a scowl and a fierce determination to plot a perfect counter plan to her sister and finally win.


	10. Water Balloons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third in the Pain Wars  
> Ko's really loosing it now.

“ _I will not take this **humiliation** lying down!  I will have my revenge!  I swear it and if I don’t I will put poisonous and starving **cobras** in her sheets at night!  And **you** ,_” the slightly insane girl pointed to the others, helping to set up the latest summer event fight.  They stared from the hoses filling up balloons. “ _You will help me…_ ” and then she went back to filling up her balloons with what several guessed to be poison, due to the dark chuckling.

 

Seme-Chan blinked in confusion for a moment then looked over to Paine who was staring at her sister as if she had a few screws loose.  Never mind that she probably did.  “Okay, so how much caffeine has your sister had today?”

 

“Um…” Paine cast Seme-Chan a faintly worried glance, “None as far as I can remember…but then again, she’d been really weird whenever you mention the balloon fight today.”

 

Seme-Chan turned back to filling water balloons.  “Okay, so your sister’s lost it.  Nothing new.”

 

“…”

 

Fifteen minutes later and all the balloons were filled.  Rikku was at the front to relay the rules as decided by her, Paine, and Seme-Chan.

 

“Okay, pretty simple here.  It’s a water balloon fight.  Not that much different than a water gun fight.  Except now you’re lobbing balloons at each other.  You now have limited ammo.  You run out, and you either have to make more or steal.  Either are acceptable.  Sneaking up on people while they’re making more is also acceptable.  Setting traps, using your buckets as long as they’re not causing concussions, and hiding are all acceptable.  No wrestling matches please.  Oh and Ko requests that we keep Paine from winning if at all possible.” Rikku rattled off.  The last was met with an irritated yell of ‘You fucking _paraphrased!_ ’ that was ignored.  “Ready, go.” was called out unenthusiastically.

 

The unenthusiasm was quickly turned into rage and competitiveness when after saying ‘go’ she was hit in the face by a balloon.

 

The massa-er-fight began.

 

Chi-Chi’s high pitch scream as Seme-Chan stuffed one down her shirt set the fight off in earnest.

 

Ko ran wildly at Paine as her first target.  Her balloons where surprisingly accurate and Paine was having difficulty in dodging.  Then Ko was hit in the side of her head with one from Rikku.

 

And the battle continued.  For fifteen minutes, at which time one of the adult supervisors at the park picnic, who were mesmerized and morbidly fascinated by the girls’ viciousness with each other, blew a whistle that stopped all movement.

 

One balloon still managed to fly and explode on the tree next to them.  They raised an eyebrow and announced, “Reload time.”

 

And suddenly the girls were all filling up new balloons and their buckets.

 

The supervisor waited five minutes and then blew the whistle again to signal they could start again.

 

The mêlée picked up again as if it hadn’t been interrupted.  The younger children at the event were strongly discouraged to participate in the fight because of this.

 

Several covered their children’s eyes when Chi-Chi dumped a bucket of water on Seme-Chan’s head and hit it with a stick to make it ring like a bell.

 

Finally, another long fifteen minutes passed and the supervisor blew the whistle again.  All of the girls were dripping wet.  Well…Paine wasn’t but she was still fairly wet.

 

They all lined up.  The supervisor in charge of the event walked down the line to determine the driest one.  He stopped in front of Paine and placed a cheap metal around her neck and announced her as the winner of the contest.

 

Cheers went up in the audience and Rikku and some others grinned.

 

All this was cut short by Ko screaming in rage.  The girl was dripping, soaked and she was seething in rage.  She pointed to her sister, “ _Don’t think you have won just yet.  For you may have won the battle but **I** will have this war._ ” she hissed at the older.  Paine just smirked, knowing it would piss Ko off more.  When Ko screamed and stomped off, she grinned.  Mission accomplished.


	11. Gnat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler: The bug does not die.

The computer screen did not glow.  The day was bright and the curtains, while not open, let in ample light.  It was 5:00PM.

             

Ko sat at her computer, typing away.  What, only she knew.  Any who tried to look got the screen switched on them.  She sang along with a song that was blaring out of her speakers.

 

Over all, it was a normal scene.

 

A gnat, small, black, and flying in lazy circles, flew into her face.  Ko waved it out of her face, continuing on with her work.

 

Moments later, the same gnat flew into her face.  She waved it away again.

 

This happened several more times before she started to get annoyed.

 

He mother called her down to do something.  Sighing and hoping that the pesky gnat would be gone when she got back, she stood from her seat, crossed legged on a computer chair, and stretched, waving the gnat away once more.  She left.

 

Several minutes later, Ko returned in a much better mood than before, and with high hopes that the gnat either died or left.  She sat down, one leg under her and the other bent to her chest, and looked around.

 

The gnat was nowhere to be seen.  Ko smiled and went about typing up whatever it was she’d been working on before.

 

The gnat flew into her face a moment later.  She yelled in frustration eyeing the moving gnat on the wall to her left.  Suddenly, in a fit of rage, she slammed her hand into the wall…missing the gnat.  Growling she slammed her hand again…missing again.  With a truly feral growl she slammed her hand several more times, killing the gnat after the fourth time.  Waving her sore and bruised hand in triumph she yelled out “WOOOO!” in excitement and happiness at the bug’s death.

 

Seconds later, a new gnat flew into her face.  Ko growled, now bristling and proceeded to try to kill the new gnat.  The house echoed with her screams of frustration.


	12. Radio Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The radio is a touchy subject.

It was a dark and clear night without the promise of a good storm for days.  Paine was at the wheel staring off into the distance, looking as interested in the roadway proceedings as a fish would be.  Ko was in the passenger seat looking to the side looking only actually interested in the clouds which were a light red against the dark blue sky.  The radio was blaring Cascada’s Evacuate the Dance floor.

 

The song ended and another came on.  Paine reflexively changed the channel when it turned out to be one neither liked.  It turned to another song and Paine refocused on the wheel.  Ko frowned and changed the channel to another.  It too played a song, different than the last.  Ko went back to her previous position.

 

Paine frowned and turned the channel back.

 

Ko and Paine looked at each other, challenge blatant in their eyes.

 

“You know~” Ko drawled, “This does mean war.”

 

Paine turned back to the road but nodded, “Try it.”

 

Ko looked to her sister, suspicion clear in her gaze.  Lightning fast, she jabbed the button for the channel she wanted.  Just as fast and not looking, Paine jabbed the button back.  Ko repeated her jab but kept her hand over the buttons this time.  Paine clawed at her hand and when Ko recoiled in pain and shock, Paine put the channel back.

 

Ko growled holding her injured hand to her chest and, when they arrived at a red light a moment later, shoved her sister.  Paine went with the blow and when Ko retreated, shoved her back.

 

Things went on like so until the light turned green.  Both went back to their original poses.  They waited a few minutes and when they arrived at another light they looked at each other.

 

A news van had rolled up and when the rather bored driver and camera man looked to his left, he rushed to get the camera.  After all, even if it technically wasn’t the original story, two girls trying to shove the other out of the car window was far too good to pass up.  They just needed to censor every other word.  Damn they were creative.


	13. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the holiday collection.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

 

Except, perhaps, a child or two.

 

“So, traps set?” Ko whispered, dressed in white, head to toe.  Had it been any other situation, she may have resembled a tomboy–ish angel; what with her white coat, white sweatpants, white painted face and neck, and silver dyed hair.  Ko very nearly glowed with an earth real light in the Moon’s rays.  And then the image would be shattered quite thoroughly when one’s gaze shifted to the shining aluminum baseball bat in her hands.

 

Kitty, dressed and done up similarly to Ko, minus the bat, poked her head out from the roof and grinned.  This was going to be a killer Christmas, she decided, “Uh–huh,” she stage whispered, nodding vigorously, “Set, hidden, and baited!” she chirped cheerfully in the same tone.

 

Ko nodded, turned on her heel, and walked away.  She ignored the scrabbling sound as Kitty stood to get off the roof and the following muffled ‘thump’ as Kitty summarily skipped the ladder she had used to get up and jumped off the side of the house and into a pile of snow.  Ko did stop at the groan of pain from within the bank, but only to slap her forehead and pinch the bridge of her nose to stave off a headache.  “Kitty, despite what you may or may not have heard and as I’m sure you’ve just discovered, snow is _not_ soft when it’s cold enough to make _reinforced snow–forts and snow balls_.”

 

Silence, then, “…Ow…”

 

With a groan of annoyance and a violent sigh, Ko stalked back to the snow bank and pulled her friend up.  Right before shoving a handful of snow down her shirt.  Ko’s hand slapped over Kitty’s mouth just in time to catch the ensuing shriek and, ignoring, the violent glare of promised death, directed her over to the igloo they’d all built days earlier and had been improving since.  It now had internet and heated blankets.

 

Once inside and calmed down, Ko turned on the cameras surveying the roof.  And stared.  Ko looked back at Kitty, “Did you actually set up a bear trap with cookies, _my cookies_ , and milk as bait?” Kitty grinned and nodded again.  Ko turned back, shaking her head and hit a button before bringing a microphone attached to a headset closer, “Agent P, this is Agent K.  Traps are in position.  Be warned.  Agent 13 saw fit to add a bear trap with _my chocolate chip cookies_ and milk as bait.  Requesting rescue mission for the cookies, copy?”

 

Ko let go of the button and placed the headset on proper, waiting for a response.  For a few moments there was only static then a voice came over the line, “Copy, Agent K.” A muffled laugh, “S–sorry, request denied.” Paine responded, holding back giggles.  She held out for a few more valiant moments then burst out laughing.  By the echoes in the background, Ko assumed the others had given in as well.  Ko shot the TV screen an annoyed look as she waited out the other’s mirth.

 

When it had been quiet for a full five seconds, Ko queried, “If you’re all finished?”

 

“Did she really set a bear trap?” Paine asked.  Ko nodded solemnly despite her sister being unable to see.

 

“Yes.  Yes, she did.”

 

Another voice came over the line, “Exactly where did Agent 13 get a bear trap?”

 

Ko sighed; they were getting off topic and neglecting their stations now.  She had to end it, but first, “Well, Agent R, I imagine she got it from an illegal game and fishing store.” The girl responded, sarcasm dripping off every syllable.  “Now back to the task at hand, people.”  She ordered.

 

There was a plethora of groaning and muttering but finally the line was full of quiet static once again.  Five minutes later Ko jolted out of a light doze.  She’d heard _bells_.  Hitting the button hard, Ko whispered, “Agent K to Agent P.  Did you hear that? Over.”

 

There was a long moment of silence, Kitty was staring hard at the cameras, then, “Yes we did Agent K.  Are you both in position?  Agent S reported that she’d been hit.”  Ko bristled.

 

“ _Already?_   It’s only…11:55!” Ko hissed franticly.  Seme-Chan had been hit.  Their target was early.  And then there was no time to contemplate it because there was the sound of bells, an old man yelling in frustration and the sound of several reindeer going for the reindeer nip they’d found a week previous.  Ko ran.  Santa would be theirs.


	14. Easter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the Holiday Collection

Here comes Peter Cottontail

Hopping down the bunny trail.

Hippity Hoppity

Easter’s on its way!

 

Or is it?

 

Ko stared at the figures darkening her doorway.  Seme-Chan was a wonderful person, normally.  She was also slightly insane, like all of them.  And they _had_ kidnapped Santa the previous Christmas.  But this was just too much.

 

It was two in the morning on Easter Sunday, and there the girl was, holding a sack that had something about the size of a large cat kicking around violently and yelling loudly about kidnapping and ruining a holiday.

 

Ko sighed and raised a hand to massage her temples, “I’ll call in the rest.  You tie that thing up and gag it too, while you’re at it.”  There was an especially loud yell at that even as Seme-Chan entered the house, still grinning.  To the rabbit inside the sack, the click as the door shut sounded final.

 

It was an hour later that all seven girls were staring at a small brown rabbit in a cute little blue button up shirt.  It was tied to a chair that was far larger than it.

 

Kitty drew near the frightened animal and shined a flashlight into its eyes.  None of the other girls stopped her, thought there were several exchanged looks of amusement.

 

“Alright, rabbit, spill!  What’s with the eggs?” she hissed then removed the gag.

 

The rabbit appeared to be having a heart attack even as it yelped out, “What kind of insane people _are_ you!?”

 

Kitty licked her lips, “The kind that eats talkin rabbits that don’t answer questions truthfully.” She said, a slightly deranged grin marring her visage.

 

The rabbit fell limp, to the side in a dead faint.  Several of the other observing girls snorted with laughter.


	15. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the Holiday Collection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hated writing this one. it took me THREE DAMN WEEKS to get it done.

“Will you walk into my parlor?

‘Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you did spy”

“Oh no, no, to ask me is in vain,

For who goes up your winding stair can ne’er come down again.”

 

“Okay, using a study by Chi–Chi,” Paine announced, nodding towards what used to look like a frizzy haired girl only a few hours ago but now looked like something out of ‘Freddy Vs Jason’ and more than likely was, “We have determined the houses that supply the most candy and the houses which can be visited more than once with a new disguise.”  The older girl nodded towards the rack of various costumes ranging from half way decent to downright stupid.

 

Ko stepped forward then, dressed in a suite and arranging a red wig on her head, “Our mission is simple.  Retrieve the most candy possible without having to pay and staying within legal limits.”  Several of the assembled girls nodded their agreement.  Ko ignored them and continued on, “We will head out in teams, make one round on our assigned rout then head back to the rendezvous point, exchange information and then head out on a new rout.”  She eyed Paine who was snickering.

 

Paine, upon noticing that she was the object of her sister’s scrutiny, smirked and raised a single, elegant brow.  Ko raised one back.  They stared for a minute then Ko continued on, not elaborating in the slightest.

 

Teams were assigned and routs were also assigned.  They all finally stood, shoulder to shoulder in a circle in the middle of the road.  “Alright, teams, GO!” Ko shouted.

 

They set off, ignoring the weirded out looks from innocent bystanders.

 

The next hour was a flurry of business like transactions from household to person that left the person handing out candy a little dazed.  When six watches all hit eight o’clock, six girls were all standing in the same places as before.

 

Silence reigned and bystanders stared for a full two minutes.  Then…

 

The one dressed as a black cat sat on the ground and let out an obnoxious wail that had all present covering their ears.  “Dear Gods above, Kitty, shut the hell UP!” the girl next to her yelled over the wail.

 

A short scuffle later during which there were several annoyed mutterings of ‘It’s only been an _hour_ for Christ’s sake.’ and Kitty did, indeed, shut up.

 

Paine nodded to Ko who made her way around the circle with a note book, noting down the pertinent information the other girls provided.  When she seemed to finish this task, she wandered back over to Paine and muttered in low tones with her for a minute.  After they both seemed to finish, Paine nodded.

 

“Alright, you will now rotate clockwise and take the rout the team to your right took before.  Ko will hand out the appropriate information and you will complete the rout in thirty minutes and meet back here.  Is that clear?”  There were several noises of affirmation and nods to indicate the same.  Pain nodded herself and did a perfect about face.

 

Ko did likewise and then switched to a louder volume so that the others could hear her, and their def grandparents over a mile away.  “Team, **MOVE OUT**!”

 

This process repeated itself several mover times before Ko and Paine decided that it would be best to cut the night short and stash the candy away for the next day.  It also coincided with the third time any of them had been turned away on grounds that they’d been there before, but that had _nothing_ to do with it.

 

Right…

 

The six of them were wandering in the vague direction of Ko and Paine’s home when something caught their attentions.  More specifically, it caught Kitty’s who came to a dead halt in the middle of the road and was promptly tripped over by no less than four people before the others saw what she did.

 

The object of their (read: Kitty’s) fascination was a creepy, decrepit looking house that had not been there when they had passed that particular section of the street earlier in the night.

 

Ko felt a tingle of self preservation along her spine and began dragging Kitty away, herding the others with her.  It was best not to allow them to think about it too long or they’d decide to go in and then she’d have to go in with them to keep the residents sane.

 

Unfortunately, Kitty didn’t need all that long.

 

“Hey!  Who wants to go in the haunted house!?”  Kitty hollered to the rest of the group.  There were several nods of approval and after a few minutes, Ko shaking her head violently all the while, the entire group decided to go in.

 

Ko trailed at the back, disgruntled.  This would not end well.

 

Five minutes later, and Ko was proven correct as Kitty and Rikku came shrieking out of the house, busting every eardrum within a five mile radius that didn’t have ear plugs.

 

Kitty actually kept on screaming and running around as Rikku tapered off, so Ko, in a fit of irritation, tripped her, grabbed her, and smacked her just to make sure she knew that she was out of the house and that her screaming would get her stabbed if she continued.

 

Thought she _may_ have missed that since the stabbing part _may_ have been subliminal…

 

After all, Kitty seemed to think it was an absolutely _fabulous_ idea to cling to the moody (with reason) girl and begin blubbering about how she _swore_ she’d seen a ghost.

 

Rikku was of no help as she seemed to think the very same.

 

Ko stood, dropping Kitty readily, allowing the girl to fall to the ground in a surprised heap, shook her head, and walked away, towards home.  Let the idiots ramble.  She would get her stash ready to sell.

 

Paine, unsurprisingly unaffected by the ‘ghost’ seemed to be of the same mind.  However, the unspoken leader took the time to round up the rest of them and get them shuffling in the correct direction before she started off.

 

So, bags full to the brim with candy and other treats, the girls headed off into the sunrise.  When they reached home, they would unload and set up to trade and barter with each other for the best selection of sweet treats.

 

And from the door of the last house they visited, there would be ghostly eyes following them.  But the story behind the translucent person at that door is another story for another time.


	16. Crow's Nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ko and her sister are disturbed people.

It was a special kind of person who actively plotted the pseudo deaths of four other people that they, at the same time, actively _liked_.

 

Ko and Paine were two such people.

 

And not only did they actively **think** of the aforementioned scenarios, they often did it _together_.  Despite Ko's extreme dislike of any competition in which her older sister and her were pitted against each other with one-on-one combat the only end result, she did not deny that Paine and her worked well together, as a team.  They worked _so_ well together, in fact, that several **Paintball Expeditions** had ended in victory for the duo.  Now, these **Expeditions** were how Ko and Paine worked out strategies and the like.

 

They would rent out The Maze or The Forest or, if they had a strategy that absolutely _needed_ testing in that specific area,  The Mansion.  As The Mansion was as of yet still a distant project, this was not very common.

 

Unfortunately, for the people who, unsuspecting of the two sister's ulterior motives, went there for fun and such, any arena soon became an active warzone when Ko started sniping and Paine started guerrilla tactics.  Oh, sure, some of the more war-nutty boys would get the idea and put up a fight as they were all mowed down by the two, but even they eventually succumbed.

 

After all, it was hard to dispute a loss when you had been in the middle of two people who shot you no less than four times in a row.

 

But that had little to do with what was going on at present.

 

After all, Ko, Paine, and their other four friends were all running around The Forest in a new Paintball Game.  Off to the side were two others who were just observing, lacking the proper bodily protection and their preferred guns to play.  It was ten minutes into the match and, so far, Cheetah and Crow had lost sight of everyone.  They were about to head into Crow's Nest for a better look when Crow noticed the garage was open.

 

Previously to this game, when Ko had unveiled her latest _Awesome Project of Awesome Expensiveness_ , she had made it clear that the garage held cars, four wheelers, and the like for the course and its particular games, or off road shenanigans.  She had then unveiled a veritable _armada_ (actually it was only four) of Warthog-esque four wheelers and a dull army green Jeep Wrangler.

 

That same jeep was now revving to life as Crow and Cheetah witnessed Paine grin in a way reminiscent of a shark from the driver's seat and Ko do similar as she attached what looked like a turret gun to the off road vehicle.

 

They drove off, seeming to ignore the two bystanders.

 

It was not even five minutes later when the sounds of a turret gun firing coincided with shrill screams.

 

Up in Crow's Nest, Crow and Cheetah set to record as much of it as possible, taking certain screenshots and setting them aside later to make use of later.  Like the one of Kitty, face to fender with the Jeep, face in a slack, wtf-dude expression, and the one of Paine and Ko in the Jeep moments after it took to the air, both laughing like maniacs.

 

Crow personally thought that would be quite popular. 


	17. The F0rce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The force...  
> Is not with Ko.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This spawns crossovers which, once completed in sufficient number, will be posted separately from these.

Ko had had a long day.  It had been exhausting and annoying.  By the end of the class, she was ready to start screaming and shooting.  But no, she had _another_ class that ran into the night after _that_.

 

That had run late, as the teacher decided to drone on about things she already knew about on a program that she was better with than him.

 

Frankly, she had been a road hazard after that.

 

And then she had returned to her humble, wonderful home.  Where hot food was waiting for her and good conversation, void of idiocy and ignorance and, worst of all, repetition.

 

So, in good spirits, she dropped her bag, full of her computer, notebooks, and computer accessories, by the foot of the stairs and reveled in both.

 

A few minutes later, she wandered up stairs and into the common room she frequently shared with her sister, Paine.  Paine looked up from her own project and greeted her sister amicably.

 

Ko nodded tiredly, but happily, and moved towards her computer desk.

 

When she was mere feet from it, she looked up, noting the absence of something vital.  “Fuck.” She groused.  Her computer was all the way at the foot of the stairs in her bag, not set up like she wished it were.

 

Paine, completely unsympathetic, busted out laughing, “Perfect timing!”

 

Ko rolled her eyes and left to go get the errant electronic.

 

‘ _Jerk._ ’  She thought, annoyed.  She was tired and in no mood to drag her heavy–ass backpack up a flight of stairs and then set it all up, but she didn’t possess Force Powers so she had to.

 

‘ _Hmm…wonder what that would be like.  I’d make the worst Jedi ever, no doubt._ ’  She mused.  The thought was almost enough to make her laugh.  Her?  A Jedi?  The very thought was hilarious.


	18. Valentines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the Holiday Collection  
> and one of my personal favorites to write.

_Roses Are Red,_

_Violets Are Blue,_

_Sugar Is Sweet;_

_And So Are You._

_Except You’re Not Really,_

_Are You?_

 

Ko stared at the envelope like it might have contained some sort of fatal disease.  It might have, for all she knew.  It did have an odd glittery look to it.

 

It was red too.  And in the shape of a heart.

 

And it was sitting innocently on her desk when she returned from lunch to her next class.

 

The envelope was actually kind of freaking her out.

 

Decided, Ko picked the envelope up carefully with her thumb and pointer fingers and tossed it into the trash.

 

There were a few comments about that but Ko figured that none of them needed to know that she only threw it in the trash because it was giving her faint flashbacks of the Twilight movies and those were just bad memories that deserved to be repressed.

 

~*~

 

On the other side of the hall, across from the doorway and in perfect view of Ko’s action, a boy faulted and discreetly gaped at the girl who’d stared at his valentine like it had a disease and then threw it away without even so much as opening it.

 

~*~

 

Back inside the room however, Rikku was making her rounds.  Otherwise known as stealing all the chocolate in sight and stuffing her face with it.  Just as she was about to grab the neat pile on Ko’s desk, the other girl pulled out the lovely pocket knife from her keychain (a present from Cheetah for Christmas) and slammed it into the desk.

 

“Try it and we’ll see how sharp my knife really is.” She growled.

 

Rikku’s hand paused millimeters from the top package.  “…So how about that glittery mess that you threw away?” she chirped cheerily, retracting her hand quickly.

 

Threat to her chocolate gone, Ko put her keychain (and knife) away and reclined in the chair, “A valentine, I think, but there was so much glitter and what not on it, that was kinda creeped out.  So I threw it away.” She replied casually.

 

Rikku gapped, “You mean you didn’t even _open_ it?” she asked incredulously.

 

Ko gave her a pointed look, “You saw it.  If I opened it, who _knows_ what would have happened.  It could have puffed out a cloud of glitter, or turned me into a disgraceful Twilight vampire!” Ko snorted, “I’d rather risk a permanent bad haircut and seven years bad luck.  Anyway, why do you care?  Isn’t there some chocolate you’re supposed to be stealing?”  she accused.

 

Rikku was not fooled, “You want me to steal some Hershey’s Cookies ‘n Cream chocolate, don’t you.”

 

Ko grinned, “I do have Dark chocolate.  You’d think that people would get the idea that I don’t like it, since I keep hiring you to steal me chocolate in trade for it.  Glad we have an understanding.”

 

“Indeed we do.  Indeed we do.  Tell me, how _do_ you let the boys down when they bring the offerings to you?”  Rikku asked, slouching down to put her elbows on the desk and cradle her face in her hands.

 

Ko did a similar motion only with her head supported by the backs of her hands instead, “I thank them kindly for their offering and tell them to try again next year.”

 

Rikku grinned, “You, my friend, are an evil, _evil_ person.  Like, ‘let’s take over the world for shits and giggles’ evil.”

 

Ko grinned back, “I know.”


	19. Zombie Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mine.  
> I'm working on it.

When the end came, it was actually fairly surprising, how many civilian survivors there were.  God knew, it shocked the hell out of the military, who were fairly certain that there were only going to be a few civilians alive on the other side of the apocalypse.

 

When several of them flashed the Zombie Survival Guide and cited Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead, it made considerably more sense.

 

You see, about a year ago, the fears of many paranoid people came true and the zombie apocalypse began.  However, when the initial surge of panic died down, a sizable number of people had an attack of common sense and immediately began preparing to survive long term.  Those that had a zombie plan had long executed it and those without were playing it by the ear.

 

It was no surprise that almost everyone knew how to handle a gun now, and though bullets were becoming a problem, the military was working on that.

 

And throughout all of this chaos, up in the mountains, there was a large area fenced off with a very special fence.  Inside this fence was a great deal of space, sectioned off with smaller, wooden fences.  There was an area of agriculture, an area for the sheep and the cows, there was the chicken coup which wasn’t surrounded by chicken wire (well actually, it was, but that was only part of it) as it was barricaded with large steel bars to efficiently keep out any animal that might have wanted to snack on the large number of chickens inside.  There were many other sections, all filled with other animals of various types as well.

 

There were five windmills set further up the mountain with a well walled off path used primarily for maintenance.  And off the field that was reserved for the dogs, cats, and other animals that tended to share space with their human counterparts nearly all the time was a large mansion.  The mansion itself was rather new, far newer than the mansion below, but only because the mansion below ground had to be made first.

 

Inside the dual mansion was a multitude of rooms with a multitude of purposes.  There was a multitude of people there as well, many having been attracted to the large, zombie free area, others attracted by the likeness to civilization the area afforded.  A slim few were attracted by a call on their cell phones.

 

Back when the whole thing had started, Ko–being the already paranoid person she was, which was only amplified by Kitty’s near phobia of all things zombie–fied–had already been deep in the process of making the underground mansion.

 

The windmills had been set up, the land was ready to be populated and had already been filled with a fair number and variety of animals, and in a somewhat uncommon bout of psychic foresight, she’d had all the materials she’d needed to make the mansion above and below ground.  There was a small number of cars (most of which were suited for off road terrain since Ko had a thing for those) that were all ready to be used, there was enough entertainment to last quite a while, and when the announcement of the outbreak occurred over the radio, Ko invited all of the people currently working on the project to stay.

 

After they all accepted, declined, or rushed off to get their families, Ko went off to call her family and friends.

 

Some hadn’t made it.  Ko had, sadly, expected that.  For a week people trickled into the place, bringing belongings, supplies, and animals.  Ko welcomed them all and people were beginning to think she was some kind of saint or something.

 

This was quickly disproven when, once the initial shock of a _zombie apocalypse_ actually happening, Ko turned into a regular slave driver, making everyone work hard and long to get the land ready to be used as it was intended.

 

Later her sanity would come into question, since she’d disappear into her lab (and why that was there, no one had any idea) for hours on end, she’d be found burning some kind of animal remains, one whole section of the mansion was blocked off “for the sake of an awesome surprise”, and she began talking to herself.

 

In the end though, people stayed grateful that someone had been overly paranoid enough to fully prepare for the apocalypse.

 

Once the military became aware of Ko’s little corner of anti–zombie paradise, trade even started up.  Three years into the apocalypse and there was actually a place of civilization left in the world.  Eventually, people started building new houses and moving out of the mansion, the fence was expanded, and life resembled normalcy.

 

So when Ko marched out one day, years later, looking about as proud as a peacock, grinning ear to ear, they all thought that she’d come up with yet another way to make life more bearable.

 

It didn’t really surprise anyone in her family, or friends when she instead stated cheerfully, “I have finally accomplished the goal that started this whole project.  I have made _Chocobos_.”  Everyone else, however, were extremely surprised.  Leading out, what appeared to be some kind of very large, golden yellow chicken, she presented the bird to the assembled people.

 

“This is Cloud.  Sephiroth, Zack, Vincent and the others are back at the mansion, by the way.  I’m finally ready to release them and see how they do.  The domestic do well, but I want to see how well they’ll adapt to the wild so they stay in the forest people.  And no touchy.  You want one, you come to me and ask for one.  This is still an experiment, it’s just reached its final stage.”

 

From that moment on, people realized what wasn’t really that obvious at all.  Ko was a scientist, and this was apparently all just a gigantic experiment to her.  What they still didn’t get was that she’d been angling for making Chocobos since her senior year in high school.  They probably never would.

 

It didn’t really change anything though.  The horse like birds were easy to get along with and tended to be smarter than people gave them credit for.  That the entire species was the result of a madwoman far too devoted to a game to be healthy never actually registered.  Then the birds proved to dislike the undead about as much as Kitty (who was nearly famous for her fervor in rekilling them) they became instantly popular and a growing population of the domesticated birds became common place on the mountain.

 

The wild birds did eventually escape the cordon  and proved to be well suited to the post–apocalyptic world they lived in.

 

Ko’s dream had come true.  She had made Chocobos and they were even more awesome than she’d ever anticipated.  That they had been born into a world that welcomed them (i.e. one that had plenty of undead for them to rekill) just made her happier for them.

 

Paine told her she was being sappy when the younger sister told her as she groomed Orc.  After thinking about it a bit, Ko was inclined to agree. 


	20. Pool Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cannon Balls are always funny.

“CANNON BALL!”

 

Ko looked up from her book just in time to get the majority of the resulting splash directly on her face.  “…Rikku, you have exactly five seconds to vacate the premises before I go and get that dual blade knife Paine got me for Christmas.” Ko calmly told the other girl once she’d resurfaced.

 

Rikku froze, looked over to her friend, assessed her level of seriousness –and then dunked under the water again quickly swimming away.  Kitty and Crow watched somewhat amusedly as Ko twitched, gently laid her book on the table, and then made a running jump dive into the pool.  The ensuing water fight only ended when both girls had dunked each other no less than five times, and even then, that was only because they were too busy choking on chlorinated water to continue.

 

“Out of curiosity, do you enjoy the taste of chlorine?” Crow asked Ko as she helped the girl out of the pool.  Ko’s only answer was to growl menacingly at the other girl’s shit eating grin and then hock up some of the chlorine taste still in her mouth.

 

Kitty dragged herself out of the pool hacking up the same taste and adding “I hate the taste of chlorine!  Which is why my pool is treated by significantly better tasting stuff.” She chirped cheerfully.

 

Ko’s glare could have sent lesser mortals to the Underworld.  Kitty, having probably already visited at some point, was unaffected beyond cringing away from the somewhat homicidal girl.  “Kitty, your pool tastes like saltwater and dries out my skin enough to make it flake.  I’ll take chlorine any day as long as I don’t have to deal with,” she paused here to shudder over dramatically, “ _lotion_.”

 

Paine walked out from the sun porch, wielding a plate of uncooked hotdogs, “You just don’t like that it has to be rubbed in and that it kinda makes your skin sticky otherwise.” She deadpanned, handing out the hotdog stakes and setting down the plate to select the wood for the fire pit.

 

In revenge for that comment, Ko did not say anything but she did blow in her sister’s face.  And then ran away for dear life as Paine turned to claw at where she just was.  Ko stuck her tongue out at her from behind Rikku who was attempting to get out of the way.


	21. Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sequel to Zombie Plan. Turns out, months after being written? Still funny.  
> may end up with minor editing later.

Dan had had a good life, before the zombie apocalypse (really world?  really) and he liked to think that, despite a lot of people dying and a lot of the rest of humanity turning into vicious bastards, there were still some good people out there.  He was right, but unfortunately, the only good people that seemed to be left were doomsday preparers who liked to say ‘I told you so’ too much.

 

He was also fairly sure that his life could not get any weirder.  After all, when command had tuned into the…advertisement? There really was not anything weirder.

 

“ _And, some black smiths because somebody can’t stop being annoying and keeps making them believe they’re better off out of this place and if you do that again, I will feed you to Lucifer myself.  Farmers are always welcome as I have no desire what so ever to farm in any fashion, and this week I’ve been told that people who are good with bows and arrows are a bit in demand.  Apparently everyone really liked that deer we had last Saturday.  So bring your bows and bring your arrows and you’ve definitely got a place here.  Now as everyone can hear, we seem to be expanding quite quickly so I’m gonna take the initiative and ask construction workers to head on over to help us build new houses.  We’re also gonna need you guys to help with expanding the property too, but don’t worry too much.  It won’t be dangerous, what with our defenses._”

 

And it went on.  For nearly an hour they listened to a female voice list off open positions on what sounded like a town free of infection.  Coordinates and general directions were given at the end and Dan could swear that some of the guys had written down some of the openings

 

Which was how he and his platoon ended up knee deep in a lovely and wild mountainous region.  It was almost nightfall and they were all getting a bit twitchy.  After all, they’d heard several large animals running by them (thankfully not wolves, again.) and they’d heard some of the oddest bird calls he’d ever heard.  All that sound should have had a horde of the walking corpses flooding the area though. 

 

While there was an awful lot of what looked like rotting bodies fertilizing the ground, there was a clear absence of undead.  The absence unnerved them all and made the men twitchy.  Which was probably why, when a woman melted out of the shadows all guns were pointed at her.

 

To the woman’s credit, she didn’t even twitch.  In fact it was kind of like she didn’t notice them at all, her eyes and her drawn bow locked on to Carter.

 

Had the men of the platoon listened to the radio broad cast beginning to end, the woman’s first statement to them would have made a lot more sense.  “Step away from the nest.”

 

“Huh?” was Carter’s oh so eloquent reply.  Dan looked down to Carter’s feet, however; and noticed that he had been about two seconds away from tripping over the largest eggs he’d ever seen in his life. 

 

“Step away from the nest before you trip in it and end up with your very own bird.  Standard policy.” She repeated in a dead panned tone, obviously thinking Carter, and probably the rest of them, were a bunch of idiots.  Carter at least complied, to which the woman brought the bow to rest.  “So, military huh?  What branch and what are you doing here?”

 

Before any of the men lost their minds and actually answered the woman, Dan interrupted, pointing to the abnormally large eggs, “What the hell are those?  And who the hell are you?”

 

“I’m Paine and those are Chocobo eggs.”  She replied.

 

Dan hesitated, “and a Chocobo is?”

 

Paine grinned in a way the almost made Dan step back.  “Fully grown?” she let out a low whistle that was immediately followed by the sound of a large animal approaching.  Said large animal appeared to be the largest bird any of them had ever seen.  A bird that was pitch black except the tips of its feathers which were a terrifying blood red.  Dan heard a thump and looked to his side to see Carter having passed out.  “They tend to look like this.” She continued.

 

Half an hour later, Dan was still unsure exactly how they’d been convinced to ride the birds, let alone meet their supposed creator.

 

He would later decide that the creator, Ko, was a mad woman, her sister, Paine, as a lunatic with a weapon, and every other lunatic in the settlement was as loony as 3PO being put together by Chewy.


End file.
